Letting go and moving on from something that doesn’t work is a good thing, but that doesn’t make it easy. Shared time and shared experience create bonds in the heart and mind. Even when we know that moving on is the best thing for all concerned, it can still be hard to say goodbye.
I told my husband that I want a divorce. “Irreconcilable differences” is the best way to describe our situation. We went to counseling. We communicated. We tried to change things (and by “we”, I mean “mostly me”). After four years of daily misery, I am done. I made it clear to my husband in November that I am leaving as soon as he graduates, in April. He didn’t like it, but he is wise enough not to try to hold on to someone who doesn’t want him. He loves me, but not enough to change anything. I won’t go into all the details. If I told you everything, you would ask why I waited so long to leave.
Well, as soon as I told him that my decision about divorce is final, he went out shopping for a girlfriend. He was at least honest with me that he has to have someone to take care of his kids. (My husband had three kids when we met). They met their future mom today and got a ride home with grandma so he can stay with his girlfriend.
We have talked about the next woman. I know a little about her and their plans. I am really OK with it because I don’t want to live with him, raise his children for him, or be his servant any more. Right now though, it hurts. I talked to myself while I stripped the sheets off the bed, (our bed), to wash them. “I don’t love him. I don’t want to live with him. I want this divorce. So, why am I feeling this way?” My heart is heavy and I feel like singing sad songs. The truth is, it hurts.
There, I said it. It hurts to think of my husband with another woman. We have an amazing history together that has created a bond like people who go through tragedy together. We overcame and accomplished a great deal together. Once the battles were over, there was just he and I, relating to each other as a man and a woman. We didn’t get along because we are not compatible. Our interests, goals, dreams, and beliefs are very different.
From this relationship, I am moving on to an incredible, fulfilling life. My dreams are in my hand. I have every reason to jump in with both feet, holding nothing back, but my joy and excitement are subdued by a little bit of grief for what is dying. A chapter of my life is ending, probably the most powerful, victorious, transforming chapter of my life. I did love my husband what now seems like so long ago. I guess it’s just sad when love dies.
In all honesty, I think I am also a little afraid of being lonely, of meeting jerks, and of falling in love again, and being vulnerable. I like my solitude, but eventually I will want someone to share my life with again. You won’t believe what song just started playing…”End of the Road” by Boyz II Men. The chorus has a line, “It’s unnatural. You belong to me. I belong to you.” I think that’s the heart of the matter. We got comfortable with the idea that I belong to him and he belongs to me. That was our status quo. Now, he belongs to someone else. I wish them happiness.
If you can relate to this, please leave a comment.
Jstone
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Even Good Goodbyes Can Hurt
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5 comments:
Yeah... I definitely can relate to this..
Even though you're not compatible, and a more fulfilling, relaxing and just plain more happy life is waiting for you, doesn't mean that all the feelings you have for him are over.
And, as you mentioned yourself, the same goes for him.. He still loves you, and part of him will always belong to you.. Even though he has found someone else..
It all makes it that much clear to you, that it is really over, that the next phase of your life has now definitely begon.
And you know what? I'm really sure that those years to come will be different, but just as powerful and transforming. Everything happens for a reason, and you're truly getting ready for that next step!!
I'm wishing you all the comfort, strength and love in that challenging time to come!
Blessings to you..
I cannot relate to it as a personal pain but then pain is a common thread which binds mankind. I think you are very brave and I wish you all the best.
look forward to what you can accomplish now that your energies are your own!
God bless you .
I love what Anuradha wrote. To feel connected enables compassionate people to empathize.
I have a friend who was engaged to a woman with three children (from two previous marriages). This friend hadn't been married before. A month before the wedding, a series of events, including 10 classes with minister necessary to wed in her church, led him to discover this woman he had dated a year wasn't divorced. She also had no intention of doing so. He evolved to feel that this woman was deceptive and using him to get back her second estranged husband. It appeared to have worked. He is going though his own phase of feeling like a victim at the same time as slowly realizing he also needs to be accountable for his own thoughts and choices. Its all good. Whatever our life situation, we are here to learn. You are on your path.
Wow, It's good you got away finally. I know how hard that can be. I went through it myself many years ago. I was married to a good woman who was also a good friend. We spent years almost getting it right, but never quite. Finally we realized that the pain we were causing each other was not going away. We separated on good terms but it still hurt a lot. I went though therapy and a great deal of soul searching. It took a while to start feeling better. EFT helped a lot. Good luck
Ed Anderson
www.masteringyourquest.com
www.edcanderson.com
Ed, Thank you for your comment. Its amazing how familiar this is to a lot of people. One thing I know for sure is that we can love a lot of people, but we are not going to be compatible with all of them.
Relationships need to support us, but they should also be fun. We overcame a lot together, but we don't have the same ideas about fun. It was a great partnership. It just wasn't a good relationship.
EFT was useful to me as well. I use it to release resentment, regret, resistance, judgment, and attachment.
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